I started this blog when I was just a teen out of high school, 8 years ago on a cold January day. It was snowing – I don’t remember, it must’ve been – and the combination of whiskey and marihuana had deluded me into thinking that other people might actually want to read what I had to say.

That was proved wrong over and over again. But somehow the buzz of that very special winter remained and I’ve written ever since. I’ve written when no one was reading and I’ve written when everyone was reading and I’ve written because I’ve had to and I’ve written because I’ve wanted to and now it’s eight years later and holy fuck that’s a lot of writing.

That’s eight years of cursing. Eight years of clever pop culture references. Eight years of terrible pop culture references. Eight years of jokes that no one got. Eight years of jokes that only I got. Eight years of opinionated bullshit. Eight years of insight that surprises even me. Eight years of suffering through people asking me if I’m Gideon and lying to them or telling them the truth. Eight years of wondering what’ll happen if someone “finds out” and eight years of not really giving a shit. Eight years of wanting to be a better lawyer and finding ways to realize that it’ll take eight more.

Eight years of you: loyal, loving, silent readers. Eight years of the most idiotic comments I’ve ever read in my life. Eight years of interacting with some of the nicest people from across the country. Eight years of disappearing for months at a time and coming back to find you’re still here. Eight years of learning and hating and making mistakes and learning. Eight years of engaging with bigots and narrow-minded people and hoping against hope that maybe, just like in my day job, I affected one person. Eight years of shouting against the ever loudening din of the obsequious. Your rights are my rights. My rights are your rights. Shut the fuck up and let me watch my reality TV.

I’m tired.

But I will go on, for what else is there to do, but to do that which you want? Sometimes, you have to go a long distance out of your way to come back a short distance correctly. I’ve been to the zoo.

Thank you. Each and every one of you.

Ammianus Marcellinus relates an anecdote of the Emperor Julian which illustrates the enforcement of this principle in the Roman law. Numerius, the governor of Narbonensis, was on trial before the Emperor, and, contrary to the usage in criminal cases, the trial was public. Numerius contented himself with denying his guilt, and there was not sufficient proof against him. His adversary, Delphidius, “a passionate man,” seeing that the failure of the accusation was inevitable, could not restrain himself, and exclaimed, “Oh, illustrious Cæsar! if it is sufficient to deny, what hereafter will become of the guilty?” to which Julian replied, “If it suffices to accuse, what will become of the innocent?” Rerum Gestarum, L. XVIII, c. 1.

Now get off my lawn.

try to be punny

Paragraph 1: Pithy comment about incendiary topic, helpful if it involves babies, monkeys, or the unholy amalgam of both: politicians. Throw in a source link if you feel like it, or if you really want to be a dick, wait till Paragraph 3. If you really want to be successful, don’t bother with a link at all. You readers don’t need it, they’ve got you.

Paragraph 2: Mocking baiting of those that support whatever idiotic idea it is that you’re writing about. If you can find a way to work in “that’s not even wrong”, it guarantees 5 extra comments.

Paragraph 3: Massive blockquote to eat up space and make the post look longer than it is.

Paragraph 4: Restate whatever you said in Paragraph 1 and 2, but this time in reference to the blockquote. Snark factor must go up by 100. Include phrases like “I’m worried about the State of the country” or “lamestream media” or “I’m moving to Canada”.

Paragraph 5: Invoke Godwin’s law.

Paragraph 6: Another blockquote, but this time don’t even bother with commentary. It’s obvious.

Paragraph 7: ???

Paragraph 8: Conclude with yet another pithy, sarcastic statement, belittling those that see things differently. Success guaranteed if you end with “bunch of idiots”. Don’t solicit comments. Reverse psychology works like a charm.

Add mildly on-topic video/music that shows how smart you are and how stupid everyone else is because you made the connection and they would’ve never thought of it.

QED. You’ll thank me later, you bunch of idiots.

I’m proud to announce the addition of a new section to the blog. What with credibility on the internet being a hot topic these days, I’ve enlisted the help of some dear friends to help prove mine. In the testimonial section of the blog, you can read what others are saying about me and this blog itself. Don’t be shy, add your own in the comments here and I’ll include them too!

As some of you know, I’m an iPhone aficionado. Long have friends and colleagues complained that I am attached at the hip to this marvel of modern technology.

I have a lot of apps on my phone and a lot of links. I have a link to Google Reader to track my favorite blogs, a link to the General Statutes to quickly look up the penal code and a link to Lexis to do legal research.

But that’s too many links and too many windows. So I searched for a better solution. And I searched and searched. I didn’t find one. So I decided to create one for myself.

Today, after 2 months of research and development, I am proud to introduce the “a public defender” iPhone and iPad application. It brings all of these sources together into one spot for your convenience. Plus, as a special feature, I’m including the “what to do if questioned by police” section, which gives you a handy step-by-step guide to encountering law enforcement and making it through without being arrested or tasered or Rodney King-ed.

It is also voice activated, so if you speak the words “I want a lawyer” within a 100 foot radius of your phone, it will launch Google, search for the nearest lawyer and automatically dial his or her phone number!

Just to whet your appetite, here are some of the steps in the “dealing with law enforcement” guide:

• Are you in a car?
• Are you wearing baggy pants?
• Does your name have an apostrophe in it?
• Is there pot/heroin/cocaine in your car?
• Is there more than 100lbs of pot/cocaine/heroin?
• Is there are gun in your car?
• More than 5?
• Did the police catch you after a chase?
• Did you run over anyone in that chase?
• Are you on foot?
• Are you running?
• Are you running alone?
• How many cops are chasing you?
• Did the officer tell you he’s your friend?
• Did you believe it?
• Are you exercising your right to remain silent?
• Why not?
• Do you have a lawyer on speed dial?
• Are you white?
• Did you kill someone?
• How many people did you kill?
• Was it in the course of committing another crime?
• Did you rape someone?
• Under the age of 16?
• Under the age of 10?
• Are you Black/Hispanic/Brown/Otherwise Non-White?

Some sample responses include:

• Congratulations, you’re White! You’re about to get a ticket! Smile!
• Curl up in the fetal position
• Say you want a lawyer.
• Say it again.
• Compliment the officer on his tie.
• Do not, repeat, do NOT unzip your pants.
• Why are you still talking?
• 42
• Say: “it’s not mine, occifer, I’m just holding it for a friend”.
• Run
• Flip off the officer. Go ahead. I dare you.
• Sorry, dude, you’re shit out of luck.

The app uses a complicated algorithm not unlike the one used by Google to provide the most appropriate and accurate responses. This is an invaluable tool not only for the career criminal among you, but also the most experienced criminal defense attorney. Imagine standing before a judge at arraignment or oral argument and cycling through the options in the iPhone to provide the most up-to-date and accurate response! It even comes with a built in Google custom search of all the respected legal blogs on the internet and it Tweets the search query to twitter and alerts your phone when someone responds! In addition, it also provides a handy link to the most updated legal decisions on the subject of your need.

This is an extremely intelligent and adaptive tool. The more questions you answer, the more accurate your answer. Except the last one on race, which, if you answer in the affirmative, shuts down your phone and shoots a stream of white powder onto your face.

Best of all, it’s free!

Not being one to care about what others think and always wanting moar lists, I’m going to subject y’all to yet another. Here are ten things (in no random order) I learned this past decade. Some are law related, some are not related to anything at all.

1. The older I get the more incomprehensible law review articles become.
2. Winning isn’t everything, unless you’re a prosecutor.
3. That I am horribly addicted to the internet and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
4. Just as I consider everyone who has a  blog and uses the ‘net to spew their opinions to be an idiot, they consider me to be one too. And I’m not happy about it.
5. DVR is the best invention of any decade.
6. Somewhere the real Gideon is crying.
7. That the death penalty experiment has failed and we must stop tinkering with the machinery of death.
8. That I have some clients who were in jail when this decade began and will still be in jail when I write an end of 2020s post in 20 years. This makes me sad.
9. Pluto is not a planet.
10. No one likes lists, unless there’s a badge involved.

Everyone’s making a list. It’s the year-end list disease. A list for top crime stories, a list for top blog posts, a list for top lists (yes, they’re out there).

So, not wanting to buck convention or anything and feeling the immense peer pressure, I am offering my own list. An utterly useless list of shameless self-promotion. Below you will find the Top 5 most commented posts of the last year, the Top 5 most viewed posts of the year and the 5 posts that I wished people read more.

Then I will open it up to you to nominate your favorite visual accompaniment to a post. If you do not comment, I will kill a bee (and as you all know, since the great bee exodus, they’re an endangered species). So, time for some “me, me and me”.

Most comments:

• The most commented post in the last year was this meticulous exercise in legal analysis and insight, garnering 36 comments.
• Here‘s a post that was neither meticulous, nor insightful, just whiny (29).
• That was followed by my groundbreaking exposition on the correct usage of legal terms (25).
• Coming in 4th was some throwaway post on the death penalty (24).
• Number 5, I suspect, got a lot of hits for the titillating title (16).

Most views – two of these posts are recent posts, which is testament to the immense power of getting linked to by Radley Balko. If it weren’t for him, this blog would’ve had 3 hits all year. So thanks Radley!

• Drunk driving is different (37 billion hits).
• Why this got a lot of hits is pretty self-explanatory (27.56 billion).
• Junk “science” and missing evidence (250 hits).
• Sex offenders on probation – setting them up to fail (4 hits) [note that this is a post from last year].
• It seems every teen in the world has landed on this page at some point (1 hit) [also, this is from 2007. Yeah, two years ago. F*ck me].

And finally, because this nonsense has gone on long enough, here are my personal favorites from the last year:

• Do pedophiles have free will?
• It’s a game of numbers.
• This I believe.
• Crazy? Jail’s the place for you.
• When is an assault not an assault?

Now, go talk amongst yourselves while I write another post or something.