moi
How to write a successful blog post
Jul 21st
try to be punny
Paragraph 1: Pithy comment about incendiary topic, helpful if it involves babies, monkeys, or the unholy amalgam of both: politicians. Throw in a source link if you feel like it, or if you really want to be a dick, wait till Paragraph 3. If you really want to be successful, don’t bother with a link at all. You readers don’t need it, they’ve got you.
Paragraph 2: Mocking baiting of those that support whatever idiotic idea it is that you’re writing about. If you can find a way to work in “that’s not even wrong”, it guarantees 5 extra comments.
Paragraph 3: Massive blockquote to eat up space and make the post look longer than it is.
Paragraph 4: Restate whatever you said in Paragraph 1 and 2, but this time in reference to the blockquote. Snark factor must go up by 100. Include phrases like “I’m worried about the State of the country” or “lamestream media” or “I’m moving to Canada”.
Paragraph 5: Invoke Godwin’s law.
Paragraph 6: Another blockquote, but this time don’t even bother with commentary. It’s obvious.
Paragraph 7: ???
Paragraph 8: Conclude with yet another pithy, sarcastic statement, belittling those that see things differently. Success guaranteed if you end with “bunch of idiots”. Don’t solicit comments. Reverse psychology works like a charm.
Add mildly on-topic video/music that shows how smart you are and how stupid everyone else is because you made the connection and they would’ve never thought of it.
QED. You’ll thank me later, you bunch of idiots.
You’re not a criminal defense lawyer if
Jun 4th
you haven’t fantasized about doing this (for those who don’t want to click on the link just yet: a pd choked a prosecutor as a result of a case-related dispute). I know I have. And, just as in the story, it’s always been motivated by the law, not any personal animus. I find that the desire to choke a prosecutor rises particularly sharply during oral argument.
Being a non-violent person and all, my frustration is expressed solely in this way:
Is Tim Curry going to have to choke a b*tch?
Aww, you shouldn’t have
Apr 11th
I’m proud to announce the addition of a new section to the blog. What with credibility on the internet being a hot topic these days, I’ve enlisted the help of some dear friends to help prove mine. In the testimonial section of the blog, you can read what others are saying about me and this blog itself. Don’t be shy, add your own in the comments here and I’ll include them too!
Announcing the apd iPhone and iPad app
Apr 1st
As some of you know, I’m an iPhone aficionado. Long have friends and colleagues complained that I am attached at the hip to this marvel of modern technology.
I have a lot of apps on my phone and a lot of links. I have a link to Google Reader to track my favorite blogs, a link to the General Statutes to quickly look up the penal code and a link to Lexis to do legal research.
But that’s too many links and too many windows. So I searched for a better solution. And I searched and searched. I didn’t find one. So I decided to create one for myself.
Today, after 2 months of research and development, I am proud to introduce the “a public defender” iPhone and iPad application. It brings all of these sources together into one spot for your convenience. Plus, as a special feature, I’m including the “what to do if questioned by police” section, which gives you a handy step-by-step guide to encountering law enforcement and making it through without being arrested or tasered or Rodney King-ed.
It is also voice activated, so if you speak the words “I want a lawyer” within a 100 foot radius of your phone, it will launch Google, search for the nearest lawyer and automatically dial his or her phone number!
Just to whet your appetite, here are some of the steps in the “dealing with law enforcement” guide:
- Are you in a car?
- Are you wearing baggy pants?
- Does your name have an apostrophe in it?
- Is there pot/heroin/cocaine in your car?
- Is there more than 100lbs of pot/cocaine/heroin?
- Is there are gun in your car?
- More than 5?
- Did the police catch you after a chase?
- Did you run over anyone in that chase?
- Are you on foot?
- Are you running?
- Are you running alone?
- How many cops are chasing you?
- Did the officer tell you he’s your friend?
- Did you believe it?
- Are you exercising your right to remain silent?
- Why not?
- Do you have a lawyer on speed dial?
- Are you white?
- Did you kill someone?
- How many people did you kill?
- Was it in the course of committing another crime?
- Did you rape someone?
- Under the age of 16?
- Under the age of 10?
- Are you Black/Hispanic/Brown/Otherwise Non-White?
Some sample responses include:
- Congratulations, you’re White! You’re about to get a ticket! Smile!
- Curl up in the fetal position
- Say you want a lawyer.
- Say it again.
- Compliment the officer on his tie.
- Do not, repeat, do NOT unzip your pants.
- Why are you still talking?
- 42
- Say: “it’s not mine, occifer, I’m just holding it for a friend”.
- Run
- Flip off the officer. Go ahead. I dare you.
- Sorry, dude, you’re shit out of luck.
The app uses a complicated algorithm not unlike the one used by Google to provide the most appropriate and accurate responses. This is an invaluable tool not only for the career criminal among you, but also the most experienced criminal defense attorney. Imagine standing before a judge at arraignment or oral argument and cycling through the options in the iPhone to provide the most up-to-date and accurate response! It even comes with a built in Google custom search of all the respected legal blogs on the internet and it Tweets the search query to twitter and alerts your phone when someone responds! In addition, it also provides a handy link to the most updated legal decisions on the subject of your need.
This is an extremely intelligent and adaptive tool. The more questions you answer, the more accurate your answer. Except the last one on race, which, if you answer in the affirmative, shuts down your phone and shoots a stream of white powder onto your face.
Best of all, it’s free!
10 things I learned this decade
Dec 30th
Not being one to care about what others think and always wanting moar lists, I’m going to subject y’all to yet another. Here are ten things (in no random order) I learned this past decade. Some are law related, some are not related to anything at all.
- The older I get the more incomprehensible law review articles become.
- Winning isn’t everything, unless you’re a prosecutor.
- That I am horribly addicted to the internet and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
- Just as I consider everyone who has a blog and uses the ‘net to spew their opinions to be an idiot, they consider me to be one too. And I’m not happy about it.
- DVR is the best invention of any decade.
- Somewhere the real Gideon is crying.
- That the death penalty experiment has failed and we must stop tinkering with the machinery of death.
- That I have some clients who were in jail when this decade began and will still be in jail when I write an end of 2020s post in 20 years. This makes me sad.
- Pluto is not a planet.
- No one likes lists, unless there’s a badge involved.
Shamelessly self-indulgent list
Dec 28th
Everyone’s making a list. It’s the year-end list disease. A list for top crime stories, a list for top blog posts, a list for top lists (yes, they’re out there).
So, not wanting to buck convention or anything and feeling the immense peer pressure, I am offering my own list. An utterly useless list of shameless self-promotion. Below you will find the Top 5 most commented posts of the last year, the Top 5 most viewed posts of the year and the 5 posts that I wished people read more.
Then I will open it up to you to nominate your favorite visual accompaniment to a post. If you do not comment, I will kill a bee (and as you all know, since the great bee exodus, they’re an endangered species). So, time for some “me, me and me”.
Most comments:
- The most commented post in the last year was this meticulous exercise in legal analysis and insight, garnering 36 comments.
- Here‘s a post that was neither meticulous, nor insightful, just whiny (29).
- That was followed by my groundbreaking exposition on the correct usage of legal terms (25).
- Coming in 4th was some throwaway post on the death penalty (24).
- Number 5, I suspect, got a lot of hits for the titillating title (16).
Most views – two of these posts are recent posts, which is testament to the immense power of getting linked to by Radley Balko. If it weren’t for him, this blog would’ve had 3 hits all year. So thanks Radley!
- Drunk driving is different (37 billion hits).
- Why this got a lot of hits is pretty self-explanatory (27.56 billion).
- Junk “science” and missing evidence (250 hits).
- Sex offenders on probation – setting them up to fail (4 hits) [note that this is a post from last year].
- It seems every teen in the world has landed on this page at some point (1 hit) [also, this is from 2007. Yeah, two years ago. F*ck me].
And finally, because this nonsense has gone on long enough, here are my personal favorites from the last year:
- Do pedophiles have free will?
- It’s a game of numbers.
- This I believe.
- Crazy? Jail’s the place for you.
- When is an assault not an assault?
Now, go talk amongst yourselves while I write another post or something.
So long, farewell, don’t let the door hit you on your way out
Nov 10th
[Alternate post titles: So long and thanks for all the blog fodder; This just in: The Law now has a weak pulse]
So, it’s probably unnatural and unhealthy to be so giddy upon learning that Gov. Rell has decided not to seek re-election, but as most of you know, I can’t stand the woman. And that’s putting it mildly. I let out an audible yell yesterday when Ann Nyberg tweeted that she wasn’t going to run. My colleagues looked at me, much like they always do, like I had three heads. So maybe my disdain of the American Idol Governor knows no bounds.
But there’s good reason. After all, she has singlehandedly done so much to create such a disregard for the law and the rule of law, that sometimes I wonder who is worse: the law-breaking “criminals” she sought to protect our white community from or the law-ignoring bureaucrat.
She was the most dangerous of the “tough on crime” pols: sweet, nurturing, grandmotherly. She would lull everyone into sleep with her gentle affect and then decree the most outrageous acts of lawlessness this State has seen this decade.
First, there was Cheshire. Oh boy was there Cheshire. The brutal crimes in a white suburban neighborhood served not only to rouse the Governor from her mid-term siesta, but also had the side-effect of completely blinding her to common sense, and well, the rule of law. So the first thing she decided to do (well, sort of) was ban parole. That lasted for 4 months and resulted in severe overcrowding and a tremendous burden on state resources. That’s when Colin McEnroe coined the moniker “The American Idol Governor“. I still can’t get enough of that. She then proposed some truly scary and not very well thought out “reforms” of the criminal justice system, some of which unfortunately made it into law. Then she wanted CT to have a three-strikes law, in the face of all scientific research on its uselessness. Then came the unhinging, aka, “The David Pollitt Project“. I’m not even going to touch that. And finally, the veto of the death penalty abolition bill.
I write all of this, not to disparage her, but to remind myself and you – voters all – of the absolute effing nonsense we’ve had to put up with these past few years. Will any of the people who’ve announced they’re running for Governor be any better? They almost have to, don’t they, because it can’t get much worse than this.
So while I wish her well in her personal life and hope that her health remains strong, I will not be sad to see her become former Governor Rell. I’m not sure there was a person less equipped to take on that job.
And now, on to the big question. What needs to be done? The first response is obvious: abolish the death penalty. But there are so many more things that need to be changed about the criminal justice system in our State. In my mind, there’s only one candidate who is qualified to do that. So, you guys can be the first to hear it: I am hereby announcing my candidacy for the Governor of the State of Connecticut and I will be running on the Smart on Crime platform for the “It must be easy; she did it for so long” party.
More details about the, well, details of my platform will follow in subsequent posts. I’m now going to go and do a cartwheel.
A year older and sadder
Mar 19th
So I’m not talking to any of you. It was my birthday yesterday and no one wished me. (Well, two people did. Thanks Skelly and the other person who knows who he is.) Oddly, the exact same thing happened last year. I’m beginning to believe that you people don’t care about me – and it’s evidenced by the disrespect I’ve been getting in various parts of the country. Just for that, I want you all to stare into my eyes and beg for forgiveness (and no, I will not put it behind a cut):
-
The AQA thread
Oct 27th
Once in a while I feel magnanimous. Like tonight. So I will answer all questions asked (thus, AQA). This is an AQA thread.
Let’s start off with some recent queries that brought people to this blog:
- is it ethical for a public defender to refuse to represent a person believed to be guilty? The short answer is no. There is no long answer.
- father in prison, can they file an amendment by default? I’d answer if it I knew what the hell it meant. I’m going to say….all signs point to yes.
- why are prisons overcrowded in the US? Oh boy. This is a doozie. Well, let’s see. Overcriminalization, harsh sentencing, no parole or early release and the complete and total lack of rehabilitation in prisons leading to recidivism. How’s that?
- how do I get a public defender? Well, it varies from state to state. Usually you apply for a public defender at the local courthouse or in court when being arraigned.
- how to get around statutory rape? Abstain or don’t get caught.
- Connecticut public defender office. (this isn’t really a question, but here)
- How can prison overcrowding be reproduced? The old fashioned way, I’d imagine. See answer 3 above.
- Your chance for change rehab in CT? Limited
- Cross examining a known eyewitness? Easier than cross-examining an unknown eyewitness, I imagine.
- What are the principles of law? Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Freedom, too.
- CT Constitutional Amendment question 1 2008. No. See, that was simple. Repeat after me: No.
- When an arrest is illegal. This feels like a game of madlibs. Hmm, let’s see. When an arrest is illegal the yellow mongoose swims with the overcrowded prison!
- Todd Rizzo, CT? Sad.
- Stoned. Good for you!
- How to keep prior conviction from being introduced at trial? Claim to be your twin brother. Or get a lawyer who can do it for you. Either one has a 50-50 shot at success.
- Ice cream Truck, and finally:
- Gay oral
What-choo got?
Unplugged
Jul 31st
If you’re wondering why there haven’t been any new posts here in the last few days, it’s because I unplugged myself from the matrix. It felt good, but now I’m back. Look for more posts soon. What’s going on in your part of the world?
Unemployable
Apr 12th
During my first year in law school, I wanted to be an International Human Rights lawyer. Seriously. Then, for reasons that may be explained another day, I decided I wanted to practice criminal law. Specifically, I wanted to be a public defender. So I set about doing that. I ignored the law reviews, I ignored the Moot Court board, I ignored all the write on competitions – heck, I even ignored “OCI” (on-campus interviews). While many of my friends were working their rears off during our first summer trying to get their “write-on” application completed, I was chugging Long Island Iced Teas at the local watering hole.
I don’t regret it one bit. I love my job and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
But. On March 31st of this year, when I was preparing for that poor April Fool’s Day joke, I decided to take a look around the big firm websites in CT to see if there were any job openings. Just for a lark.
Take DayPitney, for example. DayPitney – formerly Day, Berry & Howard – may be the “biggest” Connecticut law firm. They have several openings. I’ll list them and you tell me how I’d fare if I applied:
Candidates for these positions must possess strong academic credentials and superior writing and communication skills, as well as New York Bar admission. These are excellent opportunities offering competitive salaries and benefits packages.
REAL ESTATE:
Real Estate Associate (3-5 years) with strong commercial leasing experience.
CORPORATE & BUSINESS LAW DEPARTMENT:
We are seeking an associate to join our Corporate and Business Law Department, as follows:
* Associate (mid-level to senior) with general tax and international tax experience.
CORPORATE AND BUSINESS LAW: LIFE SCIENCES AND HEALTHCARE* Associate with 2-3 years experience for transactional and regulatory healthcare matters. Ideal candidate would possess prior experience in providing legal advice to healthcare, pharmaceutical, biotechnology, medical device, research institutions and technology-related entities.
CORPORATE ASSOCIATE:
* Associate with 3-5 years of mergers and acquisitions, securities regulations and broker-dealer experience, as well as general corporate matters. Additional experience with NASD and SEC regulations a plus.
FINANCIAL SERVICES ASSOCIATE:
* Bankruptcy Associate (3-5 years) with strong bankruptcy and commercial litigation experience. Loan transactional experience a plus.
It goes on and on, just like that. Sometimes I feel like the Aflac duck…
Needless to say, I would probably not be accepted to fill any of those positions. Not that I want them, mind you (although the extra money sure would be nice).
Here I am, with a number of years’ experience, with over a dozen trials under my belt, with a few appellate arguments, with over 100 clients I have personally dealt with and yet I would fail miserably at any of those jobs.
It just amazes me that when we go through law school, we get the same basic training, yet when we graduate, our work becomes so specialized that my law-school friend and I couldn’t switch jobs for a week without coming dangerously close to engaging in malpractice.
Any of you out there that have made the jump from purely criminal work (as a pd at that) to purely civil at a big firm? What was it like?
I’m back
Mar 25th
Sorry for the sporadic posting over the last week. My computer was malfunctioning and – believe it or not – I had work to do. I am now back, armed with my computer and plenty to say.
Additionally, those changes I mentioned are coming closer to fruition. I should have an announcement to make in the coming week or so.
Thanks for sticking by me, even when I wasn’t posting.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CZRudxD-NQ[/youtube]
Happy Birthday to me…
Mar 18th
*sniff*
Piercing the blogging veil
Feb 28th
So, despite my best half-hearted attempts to conceal my identity, it has come to my attention that a growing number of you know who I am. My initial reaction was to go the Audacity route and just shut down. But I’m not going to do that. Frankly, because I enjoy this too much and I really don’t say anything here that I wouldn’t say to you in person. If you know me and think that I’m an idiot, then my work here is done.
I do have two requests, though. If you refer the blog to other pds or attorneys in CT, try not to refer to it by my real name. Second- and more important – what the heck are you people doing reading but not commenting? C’mon folks – start getting involved! There are plenty of you that know more about some of this stuff than I do. So chime in. Don’t leave me looking like a fool. That’s my job.
Otherwise I’ll be forced to send you all e-mails.
Thanks for reading 
For those of you who don’t know me, but are curious nonetheless, this is what I look like:
The photo has been updated. Now you’re all confused because you don’t know which one I am. HAH!
No, seriously, that’s my mortal enemy. This is me:
That’s Miranda in the background.
Blawgers Baseball 2008
Feb 24th
The 2008 season of the Blawgers Baseball Fantasy Baseball League is about to start. BRING IT ON! Details at the Blawgers Baseball Blog.
I am going to win this year. Book it.
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