Category Archives: crumbs

These crumbs are wishing you a happy new year

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Life is like a box of choc-oh now I'm sad

Unlike last year’s new year’s eve explosion of completely useless posts that no one read and I barely remember writing, this year I’ve decided that there’s no better way to ring in the new year than with a reminder of how wonderful and crazy the internet is. So, the final “crumbs” edition of 2010, brought to you by Sad Keanu:

  • Let me see you naked: the most recurring theme in all searches, which just goes to confirm the “theory” that the internet would not exist without nudity and porn.
  • you rock: yes, yes I do, don’t I?
  • you know you’re screwed when: see next entry
  • fuck: QED
  • what day is Caturday: Really? You haven’t been paying attention to anything I’ve said? Every day is Caturday. In fact, Caturday was the most searched word of all-time. Ever. Just goes to show that the internet actually couldn’t exist without cats doing funny things and porn.
  • April 17 1996: According to Wikipedia, that day does not exist.
  • Conviction rates of whites to blacks: I believe the word you’re looking for is conversion.
  • how can rotten peach contribute to real life? when life gives you rotten peaches, you move to another state.
  • officer said he would drop my charge: that bridge you bought is also worth nothing
  • rehab cliparts
  • guilty of creating disturbance: I think that’s what Darth Vader was when he wiped out an entire planet
  • the justice system makes me want to kill myself: In Sovyet Raasha, you dont keel jaastice seestem, jaastice seestem keel you
  • how do I determine whether I am practicing law in NY: well, are you?
  • tv show defenders bar they drink at: Dude. It’s a show. They’re not real. You won’t meet them. Stalker.
  • lege sex: awkward, cacophonous, mostly uncomfortable and you might catch someone playing solitaire in the middle of it.
  • how do you find the defendant: look for the guy in a prison jumpsuit with shackles
  • plea bargaining quote: $500
  • show how to learn about law: that’s stupid. No one’s going to watch that show.
  • kick in the groin: that’s what these posts feel like.

And that’s about all the nonsense I can tolerate. Have a Happy New Year!

I see crumb people

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Yes, that’s a play on words. And a clever one, if you think about it.

If it’s April, it means it’s time for the new year’s first edition of “Follow the Crumbs“. You search, I ridicule, in a nutshell. Let’s get on with it, shall we?

  • alfred doctrine: “such rot sir, why you’re the very model of sanity, oh by the way I pressed your tights and put away your exploding gas balls”
  • public defender jokes: “what do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?” “Your Honor.”
  • qualifications for a public defender: ability to think inside the box, fear of authority, lack of testicular fortitude, law degree optional.
  • honey defender.com: aren’t you sweet?
  • beat the law and excessive bond just had to be put together
  • reading prison: is certainly better than living it
  • I hate you please don’t leave me: oh wait, this is one of my own searches
  • lie to me realistic: okay. That dress makes your butt look fat.
  • ipostnaked: this is a recurring theme. I feel like I’m missing out on the latest internet meme.
  • sex ooo: Is that your o face?
  • restatement of law third the law governing lawyers chapter 1, section 3: seriously? Get off my lawn.
  • front end solutions to prison overcrowding: build bigger prisons?
  • castrated myself: I told you that a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client.
  • who is a public defender: I am Spartacus!
  • how to get off and sex offender registering: okay, okay, that was one search, not two.
  • connecticut public defender blog: this be she, matey. Now walk the plank. Arrr.
  • sex in public: generally frowned upon.
  • lie to me accuracy: 50-50
  • remedies for constitutional violations: pretend the constitution doesn’t exist. Problem solved.
  • statutory rape quotes: “statutory rape”
  • does a snitch have to testify: well, you might as well know the consequences before committing the deed.
  • why public defenders are important: I love you. Will you marry me? My number is 1-900-CEG-IDEON
  • argument for child sex: usually not well thought out
  • i’m stoned: me too, brah, me too.
  • how to cook frosting: what.the.fcuk.
  • the constitution is unconstitutional: the entire document was written with invisible ink.
  • auntie and niece sexual relationship the law: are they both above 18? If so, set up live streaming video website immediately. By law.
  • the sex offender registry is fucking bullshit: couldn’t have said it better myself
  • can you inject cocaine: maybe I shouldn’t ask, but into what?
  • need money: yes, me too. Let me know when you find some laying around.
  • where can I get a job if I’m an ex felon in New Britain, CT: okay, this just made me really sad.
  • does a public defender make it worse: yes and applying cream to the affected area makes it better.
  • cotus with 12 year old girl: did you mean SCOTUS with 12 year old girl?
  • why does my co-defendant not have the same court date as me: because he’s snitchin’ on you. Or you’re snitchin’ on him. Either way, a-snitchin’s afoot.
  • disrespect + prison + inmate + big +deal +everything: I think you’ve got it covered quite well.
  • bare suspicion: the bare necessity
  • missy whited drugs: …

This, folks, is how my mind works. You’re welcome.


The crumbs are asking me questions

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seriously, i didn't make this up

seriously, i didn't make this up

It’s time, once again, to play that game where I take search terms that led visitors to this blog and make pithy comments about them. I’ve done this before (and again and again) and yes, it is a diversionary tactic which keeps me distracted enough to not write that substantive post that none of you ungrateful readers will ever read or comment on.

Don’t look at me like that.

Let’s get started:

  • From August till now, the #1 search on this blog is the term: “facepalm“, which might adequately convey one’s reaction upon reaching this blog.
  • Phil Russell also got a lot of hits: by the way, he wants you all to know that he appreciates the support.
  • Law: yes, that’s the general idea. Also equally productive searches: science, the and and.
  • Raising the Bar Season 3: you have reached the end of the internet.
  • Public defender crap: much like regular crap, except free and overworked. Also, not as smart.
  • How to beat the law: It’s a futile exercise. There’s only one person in the history of the world to have ever beaten the law and then too only when he was the law. Figure out that flux capacitor.
  • How to be a public defender: Depends on who you ask. My clients would say if you have a pulse, you’re in! Because that whole law school thing is totally useless.
  • Fail: epic
  • Crazy public sex: There’s no such thing.
  • Mental health public defender: It’s touch and go, thanks for asking.
  • How to hire a public defender: You really need to think about what you type before you type it. All kinds of stupid up in this joint.
  • Several people want to know what Alex Kelly is doing now. I. Don’t. Know.
  • ooo sex: what happens after an aaa meeting
  • ipostnaked dot com: glad to hear it.
  • need money: if you find some, let me know. I have a good friend in Nigeria who’d be willing to invest it for you.
  • if someone has naked pictures of you: you should probably try and get them back before they end up on Facebook – ah, what the heck, are you hot?
  • tomorrow, you will vote the abolition of the death penalty: tomorrow, I will vote the abolition – wha, wait a minute! I see what you did there.
  • why the government of usa make such dumb laws: I don’t know, it didn’t say.
  • castrate myself: I wouldn’t recommend it, but hey, if that’s what you really want.
  • why do we need the 6th amendment?: so you can read posts like these, duh!
  • sleeping public defender: and that’s my cue.

I bet you can’t do better.

| RT @ryanbernat:

Following the crumbs

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I haven’t done this in a few months, so on this Friday the 13th let’s take a look at what brought you psychotic internet readers to my blog. As always, act your age.

  1. Of all the searches, the top non law related search was for “naked pictures”. Unfortunately, all they got was this lousy post.
  2. “me naked” was also popular. Presumably, these people have no mirrors.
  3. “is law school for me” is also a surprisingly common phrase used in search engines, just behind “what is my name”.
  4. “shame on you”. yes, shame on me indeed.
  5. “stachatory rape laws”
  6. quite a few visitors admonished me to “learn law” or, in the case of the more articulate ones “learn the law”.
  7. I like the simplicity of this one: “beer”. Yes, please.
  8. “Eye of the beholder porn”. That’s a new fetish.
  9. my personal favorite: “gravity defender”. Now if only they meant gravitas defender.
  10. “let me see you naked”, to which I say “buy me a drink first”.
  11. “humorous porn”. Porn is serious business.
  12. “Is it ethical for a public defender to refuse to represent a person believed to be guilty?” I get this one a lot, so let me say this once and for all: No.
  13. “halp”. bai, thx.
  14. “purple heart trees”. And they say you have to earn one.
  15. “asleep”. Okay, I get the hint.

I’m not judging

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Here are some recent searches that brought readers to this blog. No chuckling. Act your age.

  • “I am on probation and lied to the prosecutor.”
  • “Cop first day back catching criminal 2008″ (??)
  • “Is internet porn illegal in ct?”
  • “Been a public defender too long”
  • “Ice cream truck” and “back of ice cream truck” (I hesitate to venture a guess)
  • “Worn prison clothes” (It’s the summer fashion)
  • “Is it ethical for a public defender to refuse to represent a person believed to be guilty?” (No.)

and the piece de resistance:

  • “Connecticut prisons sex”

Yeah.

To top it off, the image above was found on… wait for it… Sen. Larry Craig’s Senate webpage.