How to write a successful blog post

try to be punny

Paragraph 1: Pithy comment about incendiary topic, helpful if it involves babies, monkeys, or the unholy amalgam of both: politicians. Throw in a source link if you feel like it, or if you really want to be a dick, wait till Paragraph 3. If you really want to be successful, don’t bother with a link at all. You readers don’t need it, they’ve got you.

Paragraph 2: Mocking baiting of those that support whatever idiotic idea it is that you’re writing about. If you can find a way to work in “that’s not even wrong”, it guarantees 5 extra comments.

Paragraph 3: Massive blockquote to eat up space and make the post look longer than it is.

Paragraph 4: Restate whatever you said in Paragraph 1 and 2, but this time in reference to the blockquote. Snark factor must go up by 100. Include phrases like “I’m worried about the State of the country” or “lamestream media” or “I’m moving to Canada”.

Paragraph 5: Invoke Godwin’s law.

Paragraph 6: Another blockquote, but this time don’t even bother with commentary. It’s obvious.

Paragraph 7: ???

Paragraph 8: Conclude with yet another pithy, sarcastic statement, belittling those that see things differently. Success guaranteed if you end with “bunch of idiots”. Don’t solicit comments. Reverse psychology works like a charm.

Add mildly on-topic video/music that shows how smart you are and how stupid everyone else is because you made the connection and they would’ve never thought of it.

QED. You’ll thank me later, you bunch of idiots.

3 thoughts on “How to write a successful blog post

  1. Mark Draughn

    For greater SEO you should try to work in references to trending search terms. E.g. You could have started this post with: “I’m sure many people have started new blogs to express their outrage at the insensitive release of the infanticide-themed Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2, so soon after the Casey Anthony verdict, so I’d like to offer a little advice…”

    Also, you get extra points if you call your readers “sheeple” because that’s one neologism never gets old.

    Reply

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