Top 10 things you shouldn’t say to your clients

eh heh, eh heh, yup, uh huh

In the end-of-the-year-lists-that-are-poor-substitutes-for-actual-writing spirit, I present to you the first of many Top 10 lists. Today, we learn about things that you really shouldn’t tell your client (it would really help if you pictured this list being introduced by Letterman portrayed by Peter Griffin).

So, without any more fanfare or irrelevant segues, the Top 10 things you really shouldn’t say to your clients, in no particular order:

10. Now, when did you stop beating your wife?

9. We’re going to go with the “your identical twin brother did it” defense.

8. You’re right, I’m not a real lawyer, but for $500 I’ll play one in real life.

7. And if you plead within the next 30 minutes, I’ll throw in an extra set of kitchen knives, free.

6. Listen, you keep saying you didn’t do it, but I really don’t believe you.

5. Remember, it’s always polite to tip your lawyer.

4. Has anyone ever told you you look like Charles Manson?

3. Maybe spending a few decades in jail will do you some good.

2. Bro, I love you and all, but that teardrop tattoo looks ridiculous.

1. Who cares how much evidence they have against you, God is on our side.

The comments are yours.

And frankly, the only reason I wrote this damn post is so I could use that picture. Don’t judge me, you’re no better.