As some of you know, I’m an iPhone aficionado. Long have friends and colleagues complained that I am attached at the hip to this marvel of modern technology.

I have a lot of apps on my phone and a lot of links. I have a link to Google Reader to track my favorite blogs, a link to the General Statutes to quickly look up the penal code and a link to Lexis to do legal research.

But that’s too many links and too many windows. So I searched for a better solution. And I searched and searched. I didn’t find one. So I decided to create one for myself.

Today, after 2 months of research and development, I am proud to introduce the “a public defender” iPhone and iPad application. It brings all of these sources together into one spot for your convenience. Plus, as a special feature, I’m including the “what to do if questioned by police” section, which gives you a handy step-by-step guide to encountering law enforcement and making it through without being arrested or tasered or Rodney King-ed.

It is also voice activated, so if you speak the words “I want a lawyer” within a 100 foot radius of your phone, it will launch Google, search for the nearest lawyer and automatically dial his or her phone number!

Just to whet your appetite, here are some of the steps in the “dealing with law enforcement” guide:

  • Are you in a car?
  • Are you wearing baggy pants?
  • Does your name have an apostrophe in it?
  • Is there pot/heroin/cocaine in your car?
  • Is there more than 100lbs of pot/cocaine/heroin?
  • Is there are gun in your car?
  • More than 5?
  • Did the police catch you after a chase?
  • Did you run over anyone in that chase?
  • Are you on foot?
  • Are you running?
  • Are you running alone?
  • How many cops are chasing you?
  • Did the officer tell you he’s your friend?
  • Did you believe it?
  • Are you exercising your right to remain silent?
  • Why not?
  • Do you have a lawyer on speed dial?
  • Are you white?
  • Did you kill someone?
  • How many people did you kill?
  • Was it in the course of committing another crime?
  • Did you rape someone?
  • Under the age of 16?
  • Under the age of 10?
  • Are you Black/Hispanic/Brown/Otherwise Non-White?

Some sample responses include:

  • Congratulations, you’re White! You’re about to get a ticket! Smile!
  • Curl up in the fetal position
  • Say you want a lawyer.
  • Say it again.
  • Compliment the officer on his tie.
  • Do not, repeat, do NOT unzip your pants.
  • Why are you still talking?
  • 42
  • Say: “it’s not mine, occifer, I’m just holding it for a friend”.
  • Run
  • Flip off the officer. Go ahead. I dare you.
  • Sorry, dude, you’re shit out of luck.

The app uses a complicated algorithm not unlike the one used by Google to provide the most appropriate and accurate responses. This is an invaluable tool not only for the career criminal among you, but also the most experienced criminal defense attorney. Imagine standing before a judge at arraignment or oral argument and cycling through the options in the iPhone to provide the most up-to-date and accurate response! It even comes with a built in Google custom search of all the respected legal blogs on the internet and it Tweets the search query to twitter and alerts your phone when someone responds! In addition, it also provides a handy link to the most updated legal decisions on the subject of your need.

This is an extremely intelligent and adaptive tool. The more questions you answer, the more accurate your answer. Except the last one on race, which, if you answer in the affirmative, shuts down your phone and shoots a stream of white powder onto your face.

Best of all, it’s free!

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